AA Facing Arrest!

AA Can't Do Hard Time

Well, the joy from the Cubs victory was short-lived indeed.

I received the following email from FBI Director “Sir. James B. Comey, Jr.” using his work email at friend.ocn.ne.jp.  No doubt a new security measure to prevent TISVP from “hacking” him.  And I’m assuming the lapses in language are also a security ploy. 

OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FBI NEW YORK

Your fund was received at JFK airport and necessary fees/charges has been paid by sender except $75 for CCC, but a lady Janet came forward claimed you sent her to claim your fund, is it true, did you order her to pay fee for CCC? Also be informed that we came to an agreement with the U.S Custom Authority at (JFK) John F. Kennedy Int'l Airport NYC that you will send fee latest tomorrow, else your fund will be hand over to her while you will be arrested for assigning her without informing us. Just click reply to reply back to us immediately OK.

Yours sincerely
Director-Sir

Unfortunately I missed the deadline.

I’m hoping for a Club Fed berth.  I hear the internet is much faster and reliable there than elsewhere in the system.

Or alternatively a Presidential pardon.

كشف المستور.. ببغاء يفضح خيانة رجل كويتي لزوجته مع الخادمة

It is said that falcons are more discreet.

From Arab Times

KUWAIT CITY, Oct 18: In a new method devised to detect matrimonial infidelity, a Kuwaiti woman actually used a parrot to expose her husband suspected of having intimate affair with a housemaid, as the parrot mimicked flirtatious exchange of words between the man and the housemaid, reports Al-Shahed daily. 

The woman lodged a complaint with officers at Hawalli Police Station and accused the husband of cheating, noting she had been suspecting the man for a while before the parrot started mimicking flirtatious words in the apartment. 

She added the husband was surprised when he saw her returning from the office before time and became nervous. However, the prosecution officer said the case could not be regarded as crime based on lack of credible evidence.

See the link at Al-Shahed for the Arabic version.

If you're looking for a parrot or perhaps have a sudden need to sell one, look no further.

Another Cut from Kawalis (Al Qabas)

Another gem from Kawalis.

- سئل مدير استقال من شركة استثمارية غير مدرجة عن ملايين دنانير طارت خلال عهده، فأجاب بأنها رشاوى دفعت لجهات حكومية!

That's funny I'm sure all my Gulf friends and those from the Levant and parts further West told me that Rashwa was a singer.  Sort of like Nancy but more modestly dressed and without all her provactive gyrations.  And so suitable for performances even for the self-proclaimed religious. "Discreet yet beautiful" was how one described her.  I'm guessing Rashawi is the name of her new band.  Perhaps like the Spice Girls. But definitely more modestly dressed as I said above.

Translation:  "A manager who resigned from an unlisted investment company was asked about the millions of dinars which "flew away" during his tenure.  He responded that they were bribes (rashawi plural of rashwa) paid to government departments."  

Pretty clear to me that this isn't an item about Kuwait.

3-0

Getting generous in he gets older?

The Sharp Tongue of Al Qabas

Sometimes the Pen is a Sword

Here's today's Kawalis from Al Qabas:

- مدير في البورصة اصيب باحباط شديد بعد تعيين لم يكن يتوقعه اذ كان مطمئنا لوعود.. لم تتحقق!
- مسؤول نفطي استعجل اصدار بيان عن «انجازات» وصفه البعض بأنه بمنزلة لفت نظر الى من يسعون الى اقصائه في تعيينات مرتقبة.
- طلبت السفارة الاميركية السيرة الذاتية لمدير البورصة الجديد حامد السيف.. ولدى السؤال عن السبب قال طالب السيرة: نطلب سيَراً كثيراً من وقت لآخر

I love the last bit attributed to an unknown person at US Embassy Kuwait who when asked why the Embassy wanted the biography/CV of Mr. Hamid AlSaif, the newly appointed Director of the KSE, said, "We ask for a lot of biographies from time to time".  

The first two items deal with the difficult job market in Kuwait.  The first someone who was promised the position of Director of the KSE and didn't get it.  The second an oil executive who prepared a list of accomplishments designed to get him a new job (expected appointments).

Shocking Developments in Chile Mine Rescue: 34th Man Emerges. 35th Man Left Behind.

Surprise 34th man emerges from San Jose rescue shaft.

Today the World witnessed the remarkable rescue of 33 brave men trapped roughly 700 meters below the ground in the San Jose mine in Chile since August.  Bienvenidos, hombres!

After the last miner had been lifted to safety, crowds were amazed at the emergence of the President of Iran from the rescue tunnel as shown in the above exclusive Al Ahram photograph.  

As with events of this sort, amid the joy there was some profound sorrow.  An Egyptian citizen, one  Mr. Mohammed H. Mubarak, who was scheduled to be the first to come to the surface, has been left behind alone in the mine as the rescue shaft was too narrow to accommodate him.  Apparently, the physical description contained in his official Egyptian Government biography - which was used in designing the tunnel - understated his weight and girth.  Informed sources  have confirmed that he has been provided a chisel and hammer and is slowly working his way to the surface.  Suq Al Mal has been told by its sources in Egypt in yet another Suq Al Mal exclusive that Al Ahram expects to publish a picture tomorrow showing him emerging first from the tunnel.

Mayzoon the Magnificent

Kuwait sheep sold for KD25,000. Apparently gets KD200 per night for his "particularly good breeding ability."  Next stop Dubai?

This beats Sa'eed Al Huweiti's take on his falcon.  But not yet those tasty Kuwaiti pigeons!

Kuwaiti Rules

MP Waleed Tabtabai, Majlis Al Umma Al Kuwait

In Saudi it would be half the beard as well.

As part of my commitment to you my readership, I will begin growing a mustache after I obtain  the necessary green light from Madame Arqala.

JPMorgan's Dimon Excoriates Hedge Funds Lack of Intelligence

Unnamed Senior Managing Director at Undisclosed Hedge Fund

JPMorgan's Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, known primarily for his "Fortress Balance Sheet", is also known for his suffer no fools, take no prisoners candor.

They say that many a senior officer of JPMC has been reduced to embarrassed impotence with a curt "If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.  Just give me the facts".  Though to be fair, "they" are reported to say a lot of things.  Some of which others say are not true.

Today in characteristically blunt fashion, Mr. Dimon assailed Hedge Funds and their staff. 

Commenting on the new financial regulations (which his firm approves in principle but apparently not at the pesky level of implementation), Mr. Dimon was quoted by the Financial Times:

“It is highly ill-conceived, doesn’t reduce risk at all. As a matter of fact, it probably complicates it for some [customers]”.

He said hedge funds and other derivatives users would have to deal with two separate legal entities depending on the type of securities they trade.

As usual the most vulnerable members of our society are made to pay the price of poorly thought out rules.

As we have documented right here on this blog before, most employees of financial firms, including the most senior and highly paid, are really bad with maths. 

That seems to be the least of their problems.  Today we learn that they have trouble distinguishing between legal entities.  What might seem to those not familiar with the financial world a rather critical skill when buying bonds or equity.

It's unclear what shameful shortcomings are yet to be revealed.  Memory problems?  How does one remember which firm to call when there are so many?  Morgan Stanley, JPMorgan - is that one firm or two? Goldman Sachs, Sachs Fifth Avenue - one for socks, one for stocks, but which one for which? 

"I want to trade a bond. Do I call Goldman, Morgan or JPMC?  Or Staples?"  And imagine the plight of those poor souls who still have the Bear or Lehman on their speed dials.  Spending hours listening to the ring tone as they patiently wait for the answer that never comes.

To the many heartless critics who ascribed problems in the financial sector to greed. I hope you're ashamed of yourselves.  It turns out after all that these problems are all due to a lack of skills.  Rather basic skills.

1. Excessive bonuses.  A case of greed?  No.  The chap who calculated  them messed up the transformation of the bonus percentage to a decimal.  "Do I move decimal point two spots to the right or the left?   Must be to the right because who but a socialist or worse would go to the left?" "From each according to his ability, to each according to his cupidity" turns out to have been a simple math error.
2. The Great Recession (almost a Depression).  Again it was a question of not understanding the maths.  "You mean a guy with zero income can't pay back a loan?  Who'd have thought?  I figured that 20 years x 12 months x 0 equaled the loan principal plus interest."

Now, while Sarah Palin isn't my President yet, I have written her pleading that her Administration make its first priority doing something for the most vulnerable among us:  those who work in finance.  I call it the "No Banker Left Behind" Act. 

Euromoney - A Forest of Paper

One of our regular commentators noted that Euromoney mails his firm multiple copies of its brochures, supplying the above photograph.  

He commented that he's planning to acquire several more PO Boxes and then go into the paper pulping business.

As befits his country though,  I trust he'll make sure that at least 60% of assets are in "investments".

Suq Al Mal Passes CEBS Stress Tests

In response to what I understand is some baseless concern in the market about Suq Al Mal's condition, particularly in light of the PIGS crisis in Europe, I'm very pleased to announce that SAM has passed the CEBS "Stress" Tests and will not require any additional capital to continue as a going concern even under the rather dire scenarios used.

Pictured below is the actual testing session which I can tell you was quite stressful.  As far as I recall this  experience, filling up the test form was the major stress.  In case you're wondering, I'm on the right.  Sadly, my buddy, KfW, was absent that day.  I'm hoping they'll hold a "make-up" test for him. 

In any case, I did pass, though my test paper and answers are "top secret".

Most everyone who showed up, passed.  No bank left behind as they are reported to say. Well maybe 7.  But over a 92% success rate is highly impressive.

Another Insult to the United Kingdom: Frosty Chill Settles Over Anglo-American "Special" Relationship

US-UK "special" relationship apparently "on the rocks".

As pictured above, the Prime Minister and the US President exchanged  cases of beer at the conclusion of the Toronto G-20 summit to settle a bet over the winner of the USA/UK World Cup match.   As it was a tie, each drank the other's choice of a beer.  The Prime Minister Goose  Island 312.  The US President Hobgoblin Ale.

At that time incredulous reporters noted that the US President had refrigerated his drink.  As per contemporaneous and reliable press reports, the Prime Minister gently advised the US President that Hobgoblin is to be drunk at room temperature.

Based on intelligence gleaned from highly reliable sources (The Financial Times), Suq Al Mal can now report a further chilling deterioration in what has clearly become the former "special" Anglo-American relationship.    

During their Washington meetings this week, the US President drank another chilled Hobgoblin in the Prime Minister's presence.  A clear, deliberate and direct slap in the face to  English tradition, and thus, to Mr. Cameron, Parliament and the United Kingdom. As of yet, there have been no reports of the reaction of  a no doubt shocked Prime Minister.

Some commentators have linked the US President's behavior to his interpreting  the tie in the US-UK World Cup Match as evidence that the United Kingdom was now "punching below its weight".

BP Coffee Spill

Dave Roberts over at The GulfBlog has a positively brilliant post.

Having an Identity Crisis?

Not sure who you are?

Well, the staff here at Suq Al Mal are continuously on the look-out for ways to help.

And  so we recommend this site as you attempt to address that question.

Of course, under our long standing policy, we don't make recommendations before thoroughly testing them in our state-of-the-art laboratory.  In keeping with this blog's policy, we don't use animals in the process. 

Rather Abu Arqala himself served as the test subject using some of the deathless prose from previous posts at Suq Al Mal.  

For the first time ever, we are able to report the results that on an informal basis AA is a male, but on a formal basis a weak male - with the explanation that he may be "European".   

Quel dommage! 

Though it wasn't immediately clear if that was an "old" or a "new" European.

Great Moments in Finance: The Chocolate Bond

A sweet deal.

I'm ready to sign.

Do I call my broker?  Or the candy store?

The Power of One's Personality

I missed this news item but as luck would have it I chanced upon it today. Just what Myers-Briggs type would that be?

Manama: A Kuwaiti man was briefly detained after the police arrested him for using his flasher-equipped car to join the security motorcade of Saudi Prince Khalid Bin Soltan, the deputy defence minister, during his visit to Kuwait last week.

The intruder was reportedly able to move with the security cars to all the places visited by Prince Khalid after the protection officers thought that his car belonged to the state security or was part of the prince's entourage, Kuwaiti daily Al Rai reported on Sunday.

However, the Kuwaiti officers started having doubts when they noticed that the car invariably parked at a distance from the other cars whenever the motorcade reached a place to be visited by the prince.

An officer eventually approached the driver and asked about his employer and was shocked to learn that he was not connected with the motorcade or was a member of the prince's entourage during the visit.

According to the paper, the man said that he worked at the education ministry and that his decision to join the motorcade was a personal initiative prompted by his love for action movies.

The man was detained by the state security, but was later released after the intervention of a "powerful personality", the paper said.

Cityscape to Showcase Life-Size Model of Abu Dhabi Landscape in 2030

And some cynics out there said that other Emirates hadn't learned the lesson of the Dubacle.  About overbuilding, excessive use of leverage, etc.

This article in Khaleej Times sets those nay-sayers straight!

At 23x17 metres for this life size model one can see that Abu Dhabi has not lost its careful way with a dirham.  Construction costs are likely to be low.  And it seems to me that there will be savings on land - since the plot wouldn't have to be more than twice the size.  And it could probably be constructed indoors allowing workers to continue their labors in airconditioned comfort during the summer.  Even with a project this size, costs will be controlled.  The need for debt financing small.

Exclusively here at Suq Al Mal, we've got pictures of the  life size model of the Burj Mohammad - Abu Dhabi's entry into the world's tallest building competition.  

Notice it's so big you can't see the top.   Clearly a winner.

The Market Speaks: SuqAlMal Blogspot Value Declared IPO Rumored to Be Planned

It's hard to put a value of the things one does.  And then self-valuation of assets is always a tricky thing and subject to all sorts of moral hazard.

Today someone pointed out to me that an independent source had valued Suq Al Mal.

As with all good leaders I "immediately sprang into action" to take decisive action to learn the value:  about US$175.20.

That may not seem like much, but as a good GCC investor I see the upside potential here.  

Under my downside case business plan at 84 million hits per day Suq Al Mal will be worth a cool US$20.2 million.  84 million would represent just 1.2% of everyone in the world visiting my site each day.

At my base case plan of just a modest 12% (clearly something quite achievable) SAM is worth US$202 million.

And finally the upside case  at 30% (I'm still the same old conservative AA) US$500 million.

Can an IPO be far away?  

Or perhaps a mudaraba with Rotana?  We can each contribute our assets and share 60:40 in the profits.

Public Service Announcement: Lost and Found - One Standstill Request Missing Since 21 December 2009

MISSING 

SINCE 21 DECEMBER 2009

ONE STANDSTILL REQUEST

GENEROUS REWARD

 

Lost on 21 December 2009 at the DIFC Gate Building.  Or maybe Dubai World Headquarters.  Or maybe in a taxicab on the way to an important meeting. 

Yellow folder containing not only a standstill request but a draft rescheduling  proposal (all pictured above).

Contents are of great sentimental and some limited commercial value.

Owners are eager for the safe and prompt  return of the folder and its contents.   

Generous reward of Dirhams 1,000.  As well as a season pass to the Burj Khalifa observation deck.

Please call Shaykh Mohammed at 971-4-555-1212.  

Or Aidan at 971-4-555-1313.

Spate of Pigeon Kidnappings in Kuwait: Prize KD25,000 (US$85,500) Pigeon Stolen

You'll recall the story about Sa'eed Al-Huweiti and his SAR299,000 (US$79,733) falcon.

Well here's a companion story from Kuwait, after making allowances for apparent cultural differences.

Several newspapers carried differing accounts of the theft of a pigeon or pigeons on 30 January. 

AlWatan Newspaper (Kuwait) reports on the theft of a pigeon whose owner valued it at KD25,000 (US$25,000) from the Kabad neighborhood in Kuwait.

AlAnba Newspaper also in Kuwait reports that it was five pigeons each worth KD5,000.

And finally ArabTimes also from Kuwait reports that the pigeon was worth KD20,000.

What's not reported is that this is just part of a pattern.  Here's a story also from Kuwait's Awan on the theft of a KD5,000 pigeon reported on 4 January 2010.  This theft took place in the AlSurra neighborhood.

Two unexplained things:

1. How a pigeon can be worth KD5,000 (US$17,500) much less KD25,000 (US$85,500)? 
2. Just how much more pigeon kidnapping is going on in Kuwait?

It's unclear if the Majlis AlUmma is considering a pigeon compensation bill, though my guess is they will eventually.